If there is one thing I have established with this blog it is that expectations of regular posts should be kept very low. Yesterday, being my 87th consecutive day off, deserved a special celebration. I decided to go skiing and woke up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 in the morning to head to the mountains. Due to an overnight snow shower of roughly 20 inches that continued throughout the day, FU benefited from some of the best snow of the entire season. The fact that this was my first time skiing all year and I was so fortunately blessed with this gift from above had me contemplating for some time my divine composition. Surely, only the Son of God could receive/cause such a miracle. After ruminating on this for much of the day, I eventually decided that if I was God I would probably be a much better skier. I would also probably be able to approach women in bars. And I have a bald spot on my face which really impedes beard growth and has been the source of much consternation. Amidst this mounting evidence I concluded that there was a 99% chance that I was not God and got back to enjoying my day as a mere mortal.
I was surrounded by people who were all not working while being as unproductive as I was. Delighted by this healthy population of like-minded individuals, I thought of my followers and figured I had an obligation to determine how so many people became citizens of the FU nation. Sadly, most of the people I interviewed on the chairlift were retired, after long careers, or were on vacation from work. This saddened me. Coupled with the earlier revelation that I was not God, I was overcome with a sudden wave of fatigue and dread. Also, my mustache had frozen and it was becoming increasingly difficult to breath, so I decided to pack it up and head home.
On the way home I passed by a stretch of road which had almost been my undoing earlier that day. On my way up to the mountain I was driving on a series of back roads that were covered in last night's snow fall. My truck hit a slick patch and after some serious fishtailing I found myself traveling backwards in the oncoming lane. As I sat in the driver seat, looking at the rising sun through my amber-smoked aviator sunglasses, and sliding violently in the wrong direction and toward my possible demise, I felt a sense of calm. Sure, an inability to confront or express emotions is a trait that I am lucky to have inherited from my father, but I think there was something more. I believe I have reached the pinnacle of existence, and much like the Buddhist monks sitting atop the Himalayas, I have achieved nirvana. Everyday is a delight for me, and if my number is called then I will merrily march onward and hope that somebody will continue this blog after I have gone.
But I quickly abandoned that Buddhist nonsense when I thought of a much more logical explanation for my calm when faced with mortality; I AM God. Why would I be panicking--I am indestructible. Pleased with having put this question of my composition to bed, I happily continued on home and woke up today at the much more godly hour of 10:00.
Stay strong America--I command you.
Forever Unemployed
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